March 30, 2010

$1896 / 1br - Perfect Luxury Condo (Hottest Neighborhood in Philly)

Craiglist is a funny forum. If you want to post an apartment for rent, you can only do it once, OR you can change the ad so much that Craig THINKS it's different listing on his list. Shaun is trying to rent his condo in Philly, and he's been trying for a couple months now, so naturally he's written MANY different listings for the same place. Last night he asked me to help him. I started by saying "Perfect," and the ad evolved into this:

stop looking and start spending. the recession is over. have yourself a merry bachelor pad in nolibs or a sweet couples retreat in an urban jungle oasis of love. the modern industrial loft comes complete with silver appliances, golden floors, and a platinum lifestyle. there are many good bars and restaurants in the neighborhood including Delilahs and palmers social club.

The hardwood ceilings are made of solid English Oak from Sherwood forrest. Which reminds me of my motto. Rob from the poor and give to the rich. Guess which one I am?

Did I mention that the building also has a zoo, thats right, a cougar right next door.

From the loft, you can easily survey your kingdom with views of both the front and back living havens. You also have a decisive advantage if a home invader were to break in.
Have no fear the community is gated, which means that not everyone can get in.

the shower always has strong water pressure and the both toilets always flush.

Hey, did i mention the game room. Games include darts, twister, and chinese checkers.

Do you have a car, NO! Then please proceed to next posting. If your answer is yes then you have found the ultimate crib. Thats right I said crib. One FREE parking spot is included.

But wait, there's more. If you sign a year lease in the next 7 days you will recieve one free ShamWow (tm) and use of a pool table for the duration of your stay. i will even throw in 4 sticks and balls that glow.

Rent Now or Forever Hold Your Piece. (By Piece, I think he means Peace. Ha.)

Rittenhouse, Old City are fun but not quite as cool anymore. The Art Museum Area is cool, if you like going to art museums. im not sure if queen village or society hill is safe anymore with all of the flash mobs on the rise. if you're one of those people who crave a cheese steak at 4am then south philly is the place for you. if you are still interested in pledging a fraternity then manayunk or fishtown is the place to be. if you plan on living in summit park or anywhere in south jersey please feel free to call my hotline for psychiatric therapy. if you live in the northeast, then you probably stopped reading this a long time ago and are thinking of ways to get the hell out of your neighborhood.

The best part is that someone responded and wants to lease it for a year.... hopefully they aren't aware that Delilah's is a sleazy strip club in the hood. The man who wants to rent it signed his email "God Bless." Also luckily, we took out the part about the stripper pole. That's just asking to be struck by the fist of the Almighty right in the face. This listing is obviously a joke, but none of it is untrue. I guess we need to purchase a ShamWow and Chinese Checkers ASAP. (In real life, if you know of anyone looking to rent a condo in Philly, let me know. It's actually awesome.)

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