July 7, 2009

OBX: Ol' (B)Dirty (X)South

I went to the Dirty South, and ohmahgod, now I know why they call it that. For one thing, I'm covered in mosquito bites and I'm going absolutely crazy. I know the worst times of day for mosquitoes are sunrise and sunset, therefore I can pinpoint the moments of attack. Those mothereffers got me when I was vulnerable. 

First, when I arrived in North Carolina after an 11 hour drive, complete with "wrecking" my mom's car, *almost* getting pummeled/shredded apart by a tractor trailer while standing in the left lane assessing the damage, and seeing an obese man's exposed stomach as he looked under the ballin' Chrysler. We stopped to buy fresh fruit from the Bible thumpers, and I'm pretty sure some blood sucking pests came in with the blueberries and sand bucket of peaches. Then they got me when I was playing mini golf in a skirt near a bog or swamp in which bullfrogs mated. I was focusing, and they were hungry. Then they got me again when I was tipsy after a 12 hour margarita day and tequila power hour. Clearly, I couldn't swat them away while texting and snapping photos of drunk people jumping off the roof. 

So now I suffer. 

The Dirty South is also dirty for obvious reasons. As we crossed over the Mason Dixon line, which in fact is below Pennsylvania and above Maryland and bisects Delaware in case you didn't know, the billboards got suggestive and disturbing. We drove through a town called "Omancock" O-MAN-COCK, VA. Okay, it might've been Onancock, but at a glance it looked like an "M." Then we got behind a nice man in a pick-up with a license plate that said "FISH NUDE." YOU fish nude, dude. I'll stay over here in a full sweatsuit so I don't get eaten alive by mosquitoes even more and in even worse places than knees and toes. Yikes. I can't imagine going all the way to Georgia, or worse, driving West toward Alabama or Arkansas. No thanks, as Virginia and North Carolina had their heads in the gutter quite far enough. We spotted a "Taylor DO IT Center." I don't even know what that means. We crossed over the Dick White Bridge, and I know I'm being a 12 year old schoolboy, but after a while, your subconscious pieces these things together and says, HEY! That's inappropriate! Not to mention, you gotta do something after 9 hours in a car besides sing Missy Elliot songs and scream at other drivers. 

Oh we're not through yet. Once crossing into North Carolina, we spotted many signs for peanuts. One such sign said, "Come try my nuts!" "Hey, no way!" These people try to look innocent with their straw beach hats and their Presbyterian churches and their clever bumper stickers, but I'm from the Northeast and I'm onto them. There was also "Spankys," a little snack shack with a monkey eating a hotdog as their logo. C'mon now. Who thought of that? I suspect the preacher or the granny. The best place yet is called Dirty Dicks, which is a very famous crab restaurant. Slogan? "I got my crabs at Dirty Dicks." True enough, however get your kid a t-shirt there and I don't think they will be allowed to attend math class. 

Besides all of that, if you weren't convinced already that the South is, in fact, dirty, someone within our beach house stole money from 6 different people. There were 14 of us, mostly friends from a little PA high school. The worst crime I ever saw in my home town was when the bad kid in my 2nd grade class wrote "F*CK" on the sliding board and then told me never to tell. Oops, I guess I just did.  I also once saw a woman get kidnapped in Blockbuster and forced to drive her own car down the street at gunpoint. This is traumatic even for a Bronx neighborhood kid, but at the time, I pretended it was a movie since I was surrounded by...movies and I haven't thought about it until now. The point is, people don't really steal from their friends. However, something about the South leads to dirty money, dirty motives, dirty hands. I'm guessing the thief was one of the outsiders, not from the PA country. I'm also fairly certain it wasn't my roommate since she only steals sangria from Buskers (HA). I don't think it was any of the 18 year olds because they seem to look up to the older boys so why would they steal from them? They're Team Meathead! They gotta stick together! 

Perhaps someone random snuck in while we were incapacitated at the pool, throwing back dirty shots of dirty rum and dirty tequila. Or maybe all the people who claim to be missing money merely spent it on a dirty round of golf, some dirty barbeque pork sandwiches, or the dirty all you can eat seafood joint where I learned to crack a crab leg with a dental tool. We didn't get our crabs at Dirty Dicks, but we did get dirty, eat crabs, lose money, swim in the dirty ocean and consume 5 containers of margarita mix. And yeah, check it, that's a rhyme. 

Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?


  1. HAHA fish nude. lol also not cool about the money theif. not cool. i hope they read your blog one day.