If at first you don't succeed, it must be someone else's fault. Find them; blame them; make them pay.
Shout at people at least twice a day.
Make yourself a Humor Free Zone. If you ever find yourself laughing at a predicament you're in, go to the bathroom and pull yourself together.
Always remember that, in truth, you are only a small, unimportant cog in a massive machine you can't control.
Every cloud doesn't have a silver lining. Don't fall for this drivel. It's just deeply unscientific propaganda put out by optimists. In fact, it's more likely that every cloud has a lead lining which means all our reservoirs are full of poisoned water.
Always make sure you have the last word. Raise the stakes by making the last word "dickhead."
From The Little Book of Stress by Rohan Candappa