I just finished reading this book called, Art & Fear: Observations on The Perils (and Rewards) of Artmaking. Susan sent it to me. I read the whole thing entirely on subways, so I read it with an ounce of rage and more than a little irritation usually while standing and aquiring bruises on my limbs from being tossed about the train car. Anyway, two things stood out. "The only work really worth doing - the only work you can do convincingly - is the work that focuses on the things you care about." As suspected, I am unhappy because I don't have enough time to do what I care about. Unfortunately, I'm censoring my life and coloring inside the lines to an extent because I'm afraid of not being able to pay the bills. Can I afford the bills now? No, so I guess that's a moot point, even though "moot" is a stupid word. I am so incredibly sick of the corporate mind set and the pretentious creative surface work of the advertising world.
The other thing that stood out is an obvious point but one that I don't take seriously. " To demand perfection is to deny your ordinary (and universal) humanity, as though you would be better off without it." On some level, I feel like I would be better off without it but that's assuming my soul would survive without a body. I also had this weird revelation on the way home just now that I don't know if I ever want kids. Very cynical but I would kind of feel bad for bringing another human into the world to experience such emotion, mental battles, and... humanity, especially if the kid inherited my intensity and inability to be happy or satisfied, along with my hypochondria and nightmares. This is pessimistic and if I change my mind, I will need to teach the kid about flowers and butterflies and unicorns prancing around in clouds and then raise him or her or them in a faraway land with hobbits and maybe I could marry Kirk Cameron. But that is quite a long way off (God willing). Meanwhile, I will apply to grad schools (NOT in NYC) and keep cursing my life everytime I get another urgent request from the client. Everything is temporary, at least.