April 16, 2009

Awake Is The New Sleep

Feeling distracted? Lost? Can't focus? Helpless, bored, restless, reckless? Comfortably numb? Not yourself? Stop fighting it and trying to control it and just shut up and live! (This is an ad to my smug self.) 

I started my writing class last night so obviously I should be "crafting" some real "pieces," but obviously I'm going to procrastinate a bit first. Something about sitting through the class woke me up. For the past year... probably 2, I've been trying to conform and I've been thinking too much. I know this because some people from home have been calling me out on being distracted and mentally checked out of situations. Not to make excuses, but that's what happens while you try to get your bearings straight in New York City. When I go home to PA, it's very hard to adjust. It's getting easier to go back and forth, but it was painful for awhile. Kind of like trying to physically mutate during the 2 hour commute. Stuff isn't how it should be and it's awkward.

Okay, maybe it's not just the place. Maybe it's that I'm not doing enough. I have more energy when I'm so busy I schedule time for sleep, and I've always juggled 100 things. Since graduating, my activities are work, sleep, go out, pilates. Not enough at all. This week I applied myself at work, and I felt better about that. It's not saving lives, and it's probably the devil's industry, but it's better than sitting in my cube bored and restless all week. The class is good for me, and I'm going to paint more and... learn to cook (kidding). I'm also going to do more cultural, creative things in the city in my free time. Anyone interested? This is a soul search project of sorts. I'm not trying to be happy. I'm trying to find things that are exciting and interesting and creative. I know I won't be content, so I need to be busy. 

I don't know why I decided to stay in NY. Maybe it's a project. Maybe I'm being stubborn. Maybe this is where I'm supposed to be. For whatever reason, I feel like I need to be here kind of. I've always wanted to move to Europe or CA, but maybe that's an old dream. I have no clue actually! It doesn't matter. I'm just going to keep walking in the dark, blind, looking for inspiration until it clocks me in the head when I least expect it, because that's how it works.

Listen to the last 1:52 with a candle burning and you'll see your entire future (I made that up)

1 comment:

  1. HAHA i was listening to comfortably numb and when it said hello in the beginning my landlord answered his phone and was like hello... it made me smile.