I'm very emotional and I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps it's because I've been listening to the Where the Light Is: John Mayer Live in LA album on repeat for the past 3 days. It could also be because I'm turning 24 tomorrow, which to me, signifies the absolute end of being a child. Okay that's probably not entirely true. I still don't know how to do my taxes or cook a piece of chicken. I have no clue about mortgages or getting married or taking care of someone else. In a way, age is just another social invention. Yes, our bodies get older, our minds deteriorate, and our souls mature, but who says I have to settle down and stop being restless and crazy? My resolution for my 25th year in this life is to stop trying to conform.
In a sick twisted way, I'm only in NYC working in Advertising out of rebellion.... against myself. My dream forever was to be a writer and make movies. I was watching the Academy Awards and was reminded of that. So why did I switch my major from Film to Advertising? Because I thought it would be fun.. at the time. On that one day in my Freshman seminar, I could picture myself at work in the city in a high rise building going to lunches and schmoozing. Now that is my life, and it's not really me but it's scary that I created it out of one daydream. It was just me playing dress up in my mind!
Advertising is easy. Actually most things are pretty easy and I could be good at it if I cared enough. But I'm not passionate about it. Some days I love New York City and my conformed life. It's really fun and I know tons of people and I go out enough. I curse the sunrise as I walk home on weekend mornings because the bars close at 4am and I go to fancy restaurants with sales reps and someone always has a plan. For a restless, distracted person, this place is mecca and hell. My friends that know me the most though, know that this place isn't totally me. It doesn't really suit who I am. Now that I see their perspective, it's so obvious. I'm only here because I was rebelling. My plan was always to move to CA after graduation. Then I was in a relationship and it became "our" plan. So when that ended, I was like screw you, I'm going to your least favorite city in the country. And I moved to NYC... against his will and against my own, which is pretty stupid in retrospect. I proved to myself that I can live in New York and I can get jobs and shake hands with VIPs etc. In my head though, I'm laughing at the entire situation. It's very funny to me how seriously some people take this and how much control I'm given. And then I get caught up in "the game" and obsessing and stressing about guys, when in reality, I never want to date a guy that makes me stressed!
It's SO OBVIOUS NOW! I'm living a fake life for me. I'm lying to myself by living inside the lines. I don't follow rules and I'm not meant to be in a cube or an office building. "What do I have to lose by moving and changing my path? What do I have to gain by staying?" Now I just need to constantly remind myself of what I was planning to do so I don't get distracted by all of the pretty lights and the smug, replaceable boys in generic bars. Here's the plan: I'm going to move to Portland with my sister and work some stupid job for a year while I write and get a portfolio together. Then I'm going to apply to schools in California for writing and I'm going to go in 2010 to get a Masters. From there I will hopefully get a deal and work from home in sweatpants with my coffee grinder and dark curtains. If that doesn't pan out right away, I can teach at a college. I need to be creative all the time and I need outlets besides drinking and gossiping and blogging. No offense blog world! I do love blogging.
I'm always going to be easily bored and I'm always going to change my mind and wishes. I should just let myself, because it's who I am. When I fight that urge to move and do something different, I'm just repressing who I am. I won't grow out of it. I listen to music to match my moods. I have a new life plan every day. I love things with passion and I hate things with intensity. I wish my body could stay 23 forever, but I hope my soul ages for the rest of time so I never stay in one state because that would be awful.
In memory of being 23, here's a playlist summarizing the past year give or take a few songs:
Rodeo Clowns: Jack Johnson
What's My Age Again? Blink 182
Konstantine: Something Corporate
My Sundown: Jimmy Eat World
Landed: Ben Folds
Pretty Eyes: Jason Reeves
Motorcycle Drive By: Third Eye Blind
How My Heart Behaves: Feist
Take A Bow: Rihanna
Rockin' in the Free World: Neil Young
Hot Child in the City: Nick Gilder
Our Song: Taylor Swift
Sexy Can I: Ray J
Chicken Fried: Zac Brown Band
Heavy Metal Drummer: Wilco
Speakerphone: Kylie Minogue
23: Jimmy Eat World
I won't always love what I'll never have. I won't always live in my regret.
Stop This Train: John Mayer
So scared of getting older; I'm only good at being young; So I play the numbers game; To find a way to say that life has just begun; Don't stop this train; Don't for a minute change the place you're in